We Will Get Rid Of All Of ‘Them’ Says UKIP’s Nigel Farage

Nigel Farage

“Where were you born? I hope you’re not one of them. “

Nigel Farage of the UK Independence Party (UKIP), who gained their first MP in yesterday’s Clacton by-election, claims that the landmark victory was caused by the electorate being sick to the stomach of ‘them’.

Farage then went on to blame ‘them’ for the decline of Britain’s manufacturing, unemployment, the weather, badgers and the rise in pub closures across the country.

He also used the victory to announce details of UKIP’s new policies should the British people vote them into parliament at the next general election.

Some of his promises include the following:

  • Employment – “We guarantee a job for every Great British man, woman or child but no jobs for any of ‘them’ who will have no choice but to go back from where they came from.”
  • Education – “All educational establishments will give higher grades to Great British people who are more deserving than any of ‘them’. If you are one of ‘them’ then you can expect the lowest grades possible.”
  • Defense – “We will ensure our borders are secure and we will use force to defend against any attacks by ‘them’. We will stop spending money and wasting lives in other peoples’ wars especially in Bongo Bongo Land.”
  • Culture & entertainment – “It’s time to get back to British entertainment that promotes British values. I look forward to watching such TV gems like the Black & White Minstrel Show while listening to four fifths of the Spice Girls.”
  • Health – “If you’re not white, then you’ll be alright. In your own country!”
  • Sport – “There’s far too many of ‘them’ in our sport. Watching the Great British team in the 2012 Olympics was like watching the bloody United Nations or an immigration detention center. I, therefore, promise to make sure we are represented by us and not ‘them’ in any future international sporting events.”
  • Crime and punishment – “The lash will return as well as hanging…we will build bigger and better jails and we will lock ‘them’ all up then send them home.”
  • Religion – “If he’s not on a cross, then you’re not one of us. It’s time to pray to Mecca, in Mecca. Goodbye.”
  • Immigration – “There are now more of ‘them’ over here than there is over there so if you’re one of ‘them’ then out you go. We vow to get rid of all of ‘them’. Once we’ve done this all Britain’s problems will simply fade away so vote UKIP.”

After the speech Farage went to a Clacton pub to have a pint with the locals but left abruptly when he realized the barmaid was black and not the English rose he was expecting.

Image: Astral Media (Stephen West} [CC-BY-2.0], via Wikimedia Commons