UKIP Claims Eating Halal Turns You Muslim

“What’s wrong with a good English breakfast?”

“One bite and you’re one of them,” says Nigel Farage, leader of the far-right UK Independence Party (UKIP) as he warned England against eating halal meat.

The controversial politician claims that eating the meat will turn you Muslim and that such foods have been introduced into the UK food chain as part of a sinister covert plot to force sharia law via our digestive systems. He says the Islamified food is secretly distributed via supermarkets and fast food outlets and that English people, with their open attitudes and tolerance of others, are particularly susceptible to meat-based Islamic conversion techniques.

In a long drawn out speech at the Christian Council Of Great Britain’s annual meeting Farage said: “We have solid evidence that eating this meat will have you praying towards Mecca within 48 hours. It’s a slow and subtle process but it begins with sudden feelings of sympathy towards people of Pakistani and Iranian origin. A couple of hours after that you’ll feel an overwhelming urge to stop drinking the English national drink, alcohol. By the second day you’ll be on your knees inside your local mosque praying to their God.”

When asked what should a person do if they’ve already eaten the meat Farage replied: “There is nothing to be done if you’ve ingested the Muslamic meat. You will become one of them and it’s too late for you. No amount of bacon will help you.”

For those English people who’ve eaten the meat, things will get worse according to Farage: “Once we get into government at the next general election you’ll be classified as an immigrant and forcibly moved to the Middle East or Africa so you can live among your people. It’s the only fair thing to do.”

The UKIP leader, whose party is expected to make huge gains at this month’s Euro election, was advised by the UKIP Health Minister Dr. Gunther von Neisenracht who wrote a white paper entitled Halal Hell: Ingesting Islam which was widely discredited for being shit.

The paper claims that once the meat gets into the body thousands of tiny Islamized particles penetrate the stomach lining and begin influencing red blood cells which in turn send positive Koranic thoughts towards the recipient’s brain. In a couple of days the individual will be fully converted to Islam.

Farage continued: “Unfortunately there’s no way of knowing if your meat is halal or not as it all looks and tastes the same as delicious Christian meat. If you buy meat from a good local English butcher you can be guaranteed your meat was prepared with English hands and that the animals were treated according to our traditional customs. Also, when eating a chicken be sure to eat only the white meat and not the brown meat just in case.”

He finished his speech with this chilling thought: “What if halal gets into fruit and vegetables or into the water supply. The whole of Britain could be Muslim by tea time. A vote for UKIP will put a stop to that.”

Image: landmarkmedia / Shutterstock.com