Tories To Base Their Migrant Policy On The Walking Dead

Philip Hammond

“Do you have the right to be here by the way?”

In an effort to stem what they feel is an unacceptable onslaught of migrants, the Conservative party will, from now on, base their handling of the crisis on hit TV show The Walking Dead, it was announced earlier today during a ministerial press briefing.

Foreign Secretary Phillip Hammond, who himself could be described as having a face like walking death said: “If we start seeing these migrant chaps as zombies intent on eating our brains and not desperate people fleeing war and poverty for a chance of a better existence, then things get a lot easier when we slam the door hard in their faces.

“I got the idea while watching American television shows which is where we Tories get many of our policy ideas when we’re stumped for a solution.

“In addition, we will start using more ‘colorful’ language to get our message across like flock, tribe, hoard, pests and vermin which will hopefully further solidify the migrants’ zombie-ness in the minds of the British people thus making the whole thing a lot easier.

“Talking about the migrants as one would the undead in a George A. Romero movie suits the Great British public who by now are foaming at the mouth with hatred which ironically is just how zombies look most of the time.”

Hammond then explained at length why many of those fleeing their home countries are routinely deported.

“When trying to gain access to Britain, we ask for definitive proof of identity along with the ability to support themselves financially and I’m afraid most of these migrants fail on both counts so we have to send them back.

“If, however, they could see their way to fulfilling the one all-important requirement then perhaps we can help, but if they can’t it’s goodbye from us.

When asked privately what the foreign secretary considers the one all-important requirement for migrants to get into Britain legally, he leaned in and whispered from the corner of his mouth: “Have white skin.”