Blacks Regain Rock But Lose Their Soul

Guitar man

“Get back to where you once belonged.”

The Music Ownership Association of America announced today that rock music will finally be returned to Black people after 60 years of white control and ownership.

Rock, or rock ‘n’ roll as it’s sometimes known was, up until recently, the dominant form of popular music since its birth in the 1950s. Invented by Black artists like Ike Turner, Little Richard and Chuck Berry, rock established itself as the ‘cool’ music for teenagers the world over. Not long after its creation whites appropriated the music form and gained massive wealth and critical plaudits by developing rock into a multitude of sub-genres, some of which were great like grunge and some of which were rubbish like the various forms of metal and whatever Coldplay is.

Blacks were all but erased from the history of the music and to this day many people particularly in Europe and Asia are still under the crazy, muddle-headed delusion that rock was solely a white invention. But now that’s about to change.

Rock is finally back in Black hands and is now part of what is commonly known as ‘Black music’ along with reggae, soca, calypso, gospel and many other genres. There is a price to pay, however, for this sudden burst of musical generosity. As part of the new rules soul, R&B and hip-hop have been taken over by whites and are no longer classified as Black music.

Association Chairman, Niles Tennyson said: “Rock’s golden age is over and we must look to other music forms to control and exploit so we can keep the record business flourishing and our wallets stuffed with cash. The greedy public keep baying for more so the music has to come from somewhere and Black people have an endless supply of new genres we can loot so that’s usually the first place we look.”

“Last year number ones by Black artists dropped down to zero for the first time ever with whites like Robin Thicke and Miley Cyrus taking Black music to the top spot. Also, Macklemore and Ryan Lewis are the newly-crowned kings of rap. So while there’s money to be made we’re taking ownership of soul, R&B and hip-hop for an extended period of time with our ownership up for review when we feel like it or until it ceases to make money. Or until the we move onto the next big thing.”

The Chairman of the Black Historical Music Coalition, Marcus Robertson said in response: “This new revelation is a real blow to all our efforts to keep our music Black. We’ve already said goodbye to jazz, blues, disco and house but now I’m afraid it’s time to give up on these as well. We as a people must go back to our instruments and start developing music forms we can hopefully try and keep for ourselves. Fellow Blacks I urge you to invent all your new music styles behind locked doors and don’t record anything until I say so.”

Blacks still have reggae within their grasp despite its huge global popularity but that could change anytime. With Bob Marley gone and Buju Banton and Vybz Kartel in jail whites have been keeping an eye on reggae and another musical plundering is expected soon.

In a fit of desperation the Black Historical Music Coalition made a hopeful grab for country music but their efforts were swiftly rejected outright by the committee’s conservative Southern members.