Poll: 89 Percent Of Whites Think Blacks Caused Global Warming

Two women

“Take some responsibility goddammit!”

A poll conducted by the Poo Research Center found that the majority of white Americans believe black people are responsible for global warming and cancer.

The poll exposed other surprising and controversial opinions among white Americans such as 82 percent think blacks were responsible for both world wars, 78 percent think blacks caused the 2004 tsunami and 81 percent believe blacks caused the destruction of Pearl Harbor.

Marshall Henderson, a random white person said: “White people are totally blameless. We never do anything bad. Okay, well, we’ve actually done one or two bad things but that’s far outweighed by all the good we’ve done. We really are brilliant.”

Amy Rough, another random white person agrees totally. She said: “We whites are so kind and nice. We’re like Mother Teresa, bacon and a little fluffy kitten all rolled into one. I think we’re closer to God than all the other races. I’m convinced of it.”

More worryingly, the poll highlighted many other dubious beliefs held by white Americans that defy description and continue to perpetuate racism.

64 percent of white Americans believe slavery was a hoax and that black people came to America by choice, 72 percent believe black people lynched themselves during the Jim Crow era, 86 percent believe it’s impossible for whites to be racist and 79 percent believe all white people always get their jobs on merit.

Interestingly, when blacks were polled the research showed that 99 percent of black people believe that whites are living in complete and utter denial regarding their holier-than-thou privilege, that the ghastly systems they’ve deliberately put in place lead to a lack of black advancement and that they continue to hate and discriminate against black people at an alarming rate.

The publication of the poll results led to millions of whites hosting wild parties to celebrate how good they are and how they’re totally exonerated from any responsibility for any past wrongs.

“Hooray for white people!” could be heard in parks and gardens throughout the country as whites bathed in a sickening orgy of self-love while trying desperately to deny the last 400 years of American history.

Black pastor Cedric Hewson III had this to say about the celebrations: “These poor deluded and/or evil souls. May God have mercy on them for a short period before passing swift and harsh judgment.”