Police Urged To Masturbate More

Cops wanking

A group of cops fap, fap, fapping away.

After exhausting nearly every possible method to stop police officers from shooting unarmed individuals for no apparent reason, police departments are now exploring the calming effect of self-love as a means of preventing officers from acting out their testosterone-fueled, bigoted revenge fantasies on innocent members of the public.

NYPD Police Captain Douglas Wrencher and his team carried out a trial in his precinct earlier this year with encouraging results.

Wrencher said: “I’ve told my officers that from now on when they feel like shooting someone for doing nothing whatsoever, why not consider wanking instead?

“Beating the bald bloke can help release the pent-up anger that police carry round all day due to not being treated like God, having to talk to people using something called politeness and being forced to falsify evidence to avoid going to jail.

“Usually we would advise our officers to take up prayer or intensely-violent video games to release these frustrations but we found that ‘slamming the salami’ was more effective especially as our officers were more than eager to try it.

“Some of my officers are so mentally wound-up, they ‘pull the carrot’ up to thirty times a day to prevent them needlessly attacking passers-by who happen to look a certain way.”

The newly-devised official rules around ‘polishing your helmet’ say that officers should return to their vehicles, put on their favorite Eagles track and pump away until the feelings of murder subside. They are then ready to go back out on the streets until they get another attack of bloodlust which in most police officers occur every 30 minutes.

Wrencher continued: “Sometimes, after an officer has ‘cracked one off’ they may develop feelings of self-pity and guilt combined with the feeling that everybody hates them.

“The self-pity and guilt will disappear in a few minutes but that other part stays with them forever.”