Matt Damon To Star in New Film Entitled ‘Matt Damon Knows Best’

Damon and Clooney

Matt Damon explaining politics to George Clooney

“It’s really awesome because it’s got tons of me in it!” says Matt Damon as he described his latest film to a group of fawning journalists during a press briefing earlier today organized by his production company Matt Damon Is God Productions.

In the $60m movie, entitled Matt Knows Best, Matt Damon plays Matt Damon taking a teaching position at a tough inner-city school beset by crime and social issues.

The film follows Matt Damon as he explains how everything in the world works to a classroom of helpless black pupils who would be lost without Matt Damon in their lives. Matt Damon then goes on to save them from themselves because like the film says, Matt Damon knows best. Needless to say they love Matt Damon for it and as the plot unfolds the whole neighborhood begins to worship at his feet as Matt Damon makes everything okay.

The film was devised as a vehicle to show off Matt Damon’s exceptional talent for explaining things to women and minorities like misogyny and discrimination both of which Matt Damon is an expert in.

As well as being the star, Matt Damon directed the film with one hand behind his back. Matt Damon also wrote the script standing on his head and produced the film while taking a shower. Matt Damon said he hired the best and most talented persons available to make the movie.

But after being criticized for not having any black people on the production staff Matt Damon interrupted his critics to say there’s more than enough diversity on-screen with all the black kids in the cast but he might get in some foreign-born women as caterers during the premiere.

Unfortunately for Matt Damon, however, the censors have slapped Matt Knows Best with an R rating due to over 30 scenes of excessive whitesplaining and 10 scenes of disturbing mansplaining either of which could potentially make the audience vomit uncontrollably or give them horrific nightmares. As a result the film is expected to go straight to DVD.

A sequel entitled Matt Damon Conquers The Universe is in the pipeline.