Dear David Cameron, Thanks For Nothing

David Cameron

“Cheers Dave! Thank you very much.

Dear David,

Now that you are back in ‘Great’ Britain after what I hope was an interesting visit to the West Indies, I just wanted to write this letter to thank you, most profusely, for your eye-opening yet expected input to the political life of our beautiful island.

Firstly, thank you for spending so much of your precious time carefully considering the thorny issue of reparations for Britain’s role in kidnapping, abusing, enslaving, raping and ultimately murdering our people. Given your response to our request I imagine you gave this issue lots of thought. You say we should ‘move on’ and forget about the painful past. That’s great advice, so I wonder if you could show us how to do so when your country finally moves on from observing Remembrance day for a war that ended almost one hundred years ago. It would be great if you could show us how to move on. Whenever you’re ready.

Also, thank you for pointing out how brilliant and altogether excellent the British are for abolishing slavery and how you should be applauded for doing so. You Brits really are great and by abolishing slavery you somehow completely erased the previous 200 years of pain and misery your country inflicted upon our country. Give yourself a medal for that one.

By the way, I want to say an extra-special thanks for providing £25m to build a prison complex as per your suggestion. There’s nothing that would help Jamaica more right now than to lock up more black people.

After nearly 200 years of slavery and colonialism which almost destroyed us and condemned us to a desperate and disastrous future, locking up more black people is just what we need. Thank you David. It shows that you care.

I noticed you’re helping to build a prison in Nigeria also. I guess locking up black people is your way of showing love and support. And as an extra bonus you get to kick black people out of Britain something I’m sure your idol the lovely and delightful Mrs. Thatcher would’ve been proud of.

On the subject of locking people up, I gather both you and your lovely wife Samantha have slave-owners among your ancestors. It’s such a shame we couldn’t tour the exact slave sites where your family members held my family members captive. That would’ve been a nice way to break the ice as we have so much common ground to go over. You didn’t seem too keen as I recall.

Anyway, I just wanted to say thank you for all that you achieved during your visit and I hope things are going well for you during the conference. From what I’ve read in the press the people of Britain love you just as much as we do in Jamaica. Keep up the good work.

Yours ‘sincerely’


A thankful Jamaican

P.S. I expect you noticed the signs outside many Jamaican restaurants advertising ‘jerk pork’. Thanks for not taking those signs too literally by acting out one of your collegiate fantasies. We Jamaicans will not put up with that kind of nastiness. Thanks again.