10 GOP Reactions To Beats Sale

Mad Republican

“Get your hands off my money black man.”

Conservatives across America responded with anger and bitterness at the news that Apple paid $3bn for Beats Headphones thus making rapper and producer Dr. Dre hip-hop’s first billionaire.

The responses range from utter jealously to outright bemusement. Here’s a selection of the worst ones:

“On the one hand I applaud him for his business acumen and entrepreneurial spirit, but on the other hand I despise him because he’s black.”

John Frizzman, Alabama

“I think we should look at this deal more closely and see if we can find a way to put the good doctor in jail. How about practicing as a doctor without a license?”

Jed Cunningham, Mississippi

 “Apple only bought these headphones because he’s black. He’s obviously getting preferential treatment. It’s Affirmative Action gone mad!”

Henry Friedkin, Ohio

“Surely this proves racism no longer exists.”

Mary Fagen, Louisiana

“What the hell are Beast headphones anyway?”

Professor Elmer Wainwright, Michigan

“Hip-hop is the devil’s music and these headphones are a tool of demonic possession.”

Sally Burchill, California

“I never knew selling apples could be so profitable.”

Chris Numbly, Missouri

“Giving a black man so much money is sure to end in disaster. Next thing they’ll want to become president. What? Oh no.”

Holly Frankenheimer, Arizona

“Let’s get this Dre fella on taxes like we did Wesley Snipes and Lauryn Hill.”

James Purley, Alaska

“Don’t we have laws to prevent this sort of thing? What the hell are they doing in the Senate?”

Justin Welby, Kentucky