President Barack Obama has shocked the world by declaring that he won’t leave the White House at the end of his ‘final’ presidential term. He says he’ll stay put for at least another decade which completely defies the 22nd Amendment of the US constitution that mandates a 10-year maximum for all presidents.
Obama’s principle reason for staying on was to prevent Hilary Clinton and Donald Trump getting anywhere near the presidency and he says that if either of them did get there it would be a ‘fucking monumental spunkstorm of gargantuan proportions’.
Obama said: “Fellow Americans, my family and I have decided that it’s best if I remain as president for the foreseeable future so we’ll all be staying put in the White House for a period of no less than 10 years and probably much more.
“I came to this decision mainly because the quality of the incoming candidates is sorely lacking and America deserves so much better.
“One is a slimy, scandal-ridden cacafuego with a foreign policy record that would make Nixon blush and the other is a hate-feuled, puffed-up, oafish dummkopf with the morals of Jack the Ripper.
“I barely know which is which most of the time but what I do know is that neither of them should be anywhere near the White House so I’ll be staying on to steer our fantastic nation through the choppy waters of the coming years.
“If either of these ill-qualified and dangerous simpletons are elected they would treat the job as an extension of their massively bloated egos and real politics will be flushed right down the plughole along with the hopes and dreams of the American people.
“I wouldn’t let them near an outdoor shit-house let alone the White House and they both belong in the doghouse and that’s where they’re going.
“Oh, and one more thing America, I will be electing more black people to senior roles in public office. Many more.”
Obama said he will not budge and intends to remain in the White House by force if any attempt is made to remove him.
Sources close to the president say he has primed America’s considerable nuclear arsenal for just such an occurrence with a newly-installed red button on his bedside table should America try to be a hero.
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