‘New Blacks Have Radically-Altered DNA’ Say Scientists

He’s about to say something awful.

Scientists have identified the virus that radically alters the DNA of normal black people and then changes them into New Black people.

New Black people appear on the surface to be the same as regular black people except when they open their mouths they spout nonsensical statements like ‘love will conquer all’ and ‘racism is so last year’.

They also spend an inordinate amount of time blaming other blacks for the state of the world which they seem to think will treat everyone fairly if they just work really hard.

No one really knows how the virus is transmitted but once a normal black person is infected they change from a pro-black firebrand with realistic views to a shuffling, confused shadow of their former selves who believes everything is fine.

Professor Craig Ellington of the University of Creative Studies has studied New Blacks and he has strong evidence to suggest they are being manipulated by darker (or lighter) forces.

“New Blacks are telekinetically linked to a giant brain located somewhere in Nevada,” said the professor, “and we believe that this central control brain sends instructions to New Blacks to disrupt and undermine black progress through their utterances.

“They think they’ve reached a higher plain of existence with all the money in the world but little do they know, they are being controlled by a monocled German in a grey suit stroking an Angora cat.”

Regular black man Gregory Stickler encountered a group of New Blacks in an upscale LA restaurant and the experience shook him for days.

Stickler said: “They were eating strange insubstantial food that looked like salad with flowers in it and they hummed in unison like Buddhists except this hum was bloodcurdling.

“When they moved it was like they were floating on a cushion of air instead of walking like the rest of us and they all seemed to be making easy conversation with the lots of white people.

“When I went up to them, however, they just looked right through me as if I wasn’t there. It chilled me to the bone.”

Unfortunately for New Blacks, many are being racially profiled just as much as ordinary blacks as the infection doesn’t give them any protection against everyday occurrences. And once they’ve been profiled or harassed New Blacks quickly revert to being just black and usually return to their normal selves.

These incidents can be used as an effective cure if they happen frequently enough.

But Professor Ellington warns that normal blacks must be vigilant for signs of infection among friends an family.

He said: “Listen for phrases like ‘are you sure it’s racism and not your own inadequacies holding you back’ or ‘Sam Smith, now that’s what I call soul music’.

“If you hear anything like this from people close to you then keep away from them until we find a cure.

“The future of the black race depends on it.”

Image: By Tuomas Vitikainen (Own work), via Wikimedia Commons