Whoever smelled it, dealt it!
A New York office block was on high alert last night as a brave young woman, Linda Weimuller, foiled a possible terrorist plot at the last minute due to her swift actions. Her colleague Leonard Jackson was arrested on suspicion of terrorist farting.
Ms Weimuller was on the 47th floor of the Elmbridge Building in Downtown New York where she works as a claims adjuster when she smelled a whiff so bad it was in her words ‘like satan took a diarrhea dump in a microwave and set it to 2 minutes on high’.
“I came out of a meeting and sat at my desk when I noticed a smell so repugnant it was like the result of a thousand dirty diapers fermenting in the sun after a heavy curry,” she said.
Little did she know Leonard Jackson was initiating an ass-based terrorist plot to megafart against the USA’s relatively odorless way of life.
She continued: “Then all of a sudden, my colleagues started to complain about the stink. By this time the smell was like the crotch of a man lost at sea for six weeks. We tried to open the windows but we’re in a sealed building and the aircon kept recirculating the fumes.
“It was then I noticed Leonard Jackson not saying much and looking nervous and guilty. I had no choice but to report him to the authorities who quickly arrived in hazmat suits and began decontaminating the area.”
Protection Officer Larry Wilkins of Homeland Security was in no doubt what had happened: “We believe Jackson’s been recruited by Al-Qaeda and his butthole has been radicalized.
“They fed him the right combination of foodstuffs laced with combustible chemicals and let his lower intestine and his anus do the rest. You then have a weapon of unimaginable destructive power that could devastate whole cities if detonated.”
Jackson claimed he was the victim of racism and tried to plead his innocence: “I knew I ‘dropped one’ and I tried to explain but the cops were spraying my butt with foam which itched like hell and only made things worse. I had no choice but to let out another one. This time even my eyes were burning. It was like a deep-fried stilton cheese soaked in cat piss.”
Jackson claims he ate sauerkraut with egg and extra fried onions for lunch because he’s a vegetarian. He then slathered the dish in spicy Cajun sauce which set off a chain reaction in his gut thus producing the noxious vapors from his radicalized rectum.
Leonard was charged with Assault and Butt-ery and is being held at the Guantanamo Prison Facility where he is kept in isolation from the other prisoners with his butt cheeks under 24-hour surveillance.
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