“I want bone marrow and Vampire Weekend. Aaarrgghh!”
A monstrous 1,200-ft hipster sent New Yorkers fleeing for cover yesterday as it stomped around the city gentrifying every working class and black neighborhood in its path.
The giant hipster has all but destroyed Harlem, once a thriving community of black residents but now a pathetic husk of its former cool self. All the best black establishments are gone and the much-loved Harlem brownstones are now Harlem whitestones.
This particular bearded hipster colossus is thought to have come from San Francisco where it destroyed much of the city leaving nothing but Google buses, unusually overpriced thrift stores and non-Fairtrade coffee shops.
Hipsters, once seen as harmless weirdos in rubbish clothes, are now part of a sinister plot to drive non-white and poor people from their historic neighborhoods in order to open microbreweries, independent record shops selling music you’ve never heard of on vinyl only and artisan bakeries selling sourdough toast for $10 per half slice without butter.
Giant hipsters are created by force-feeding normal-sized hipsters megadoses of muchae kimchi, organic beef jerky from Stockholm and a secret 10-year-old craft beer from Prague which can only be ordered using a mobile app connected to the internet via satellite.
NYPD commissioner Henry McHovis warned residents to keep away from the doofus behemoth: “No place is safe so we urge all working class people and people of color to flee the city so the giant hipster can do his thing.
“It’s too dangerous to engage the monster so it’s best If blacks head out and go and live in the woods somewhere. We are now under hipster rule and there’s nothing you can do about it.”
The giant hipster seems unstoppable but there might be a way to halt its progress using newly-developed bland technology that repels hipsters.
Hipsters hate anything normal that can be used or enjoyed in a run-of-the-mill standard way. They have a primeval urge to make everything ironic so luring the giant oaf into an area that’s populated by average and pedestrian people should halt its progress. Luckily there are plenty of places in New Jersey that fit the bill.
Until then, black and working class people will be forced out of the Big Apple as the hipsters create havoc with their healthy trust funds and their vegan food wagons.
UPDATE: Giant hipsters have been spotted approaching New Orleans, Washington DC and other cities with large black populations. Black community leaders said they will fight tooth and nail to keep their neighborhoods. The battle is now on.
Image: pisaphotography / Shutterstock.com
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