Getting My Colleagues To Leave My Hair Alone

“My hair is my property. GOT IT!”

Dear colleagues,

Thanks to those of you who took the time to comment on my hairstyle at last week’s staff day out. I didn’t ask for your comments but you gave them to me anyway.  I will now dish out some harsh truths to you all in response.

Let’s start with Missy from Finance. Your comment suggesting I style my hair like Beyoncé’s was not at all welcome as I am perfectly happy with my current style.

Now I want to talk about your breath; a smell so noxious as to render houseplants dead within ten meters. Your breath actually hurts my skin. I even need to wear a gas mask when we’re in the same room and I’m pretty sure your breath causes cancer. And I now know why your dog doesn’t want to lick your face. Still, at least you’ll never be bitten by a mosquito as long as you keep talking.

And what about Jeb from Marketing whose stunning intellect was displayed while telling me that I could be successful like the girl on Scandal if I straighten my hair.

Jeb, my esteemed colleague, you’re as dumb as a paper toilet. You’re so dumb, you think 9/11 is the name of the shop on the corner. You think a new Elvis Greatest Hits CD means he’s still alive. You think planes would be safer if they flew closer to the ground.

I could go on but let’s just say I’ve laid turds smarter than you so let’s leave it at that.

Finally, my line manager, Dave who said my hair was ‘wild and unruly’ and that it needed to be ‘tamed’ so it doesn’t scare off the clients. Well Mr. Dave, the pot really is calling the kettle black and that pun was exactly as intended.

Have you looked in a mirror lately? Is it even possible for you to do so without crying? You are uglier than a bulldog on crack. If a slug and a warthog could breed they’d produce offspring prettier than you. You’re so ugly even air moves away from you. And you are the one who scares off clients. They cancel meetings with you in case they turn to stone Medusa-style. Look up the word ‘ugly’ in the dictionary and you’ll see your picture. You are indeed the precise personification of ugliness.

I hope you find my comments helpful.

Yours lovingly,

Evette

P.S. I noticed you all like to touch my hair while commenting on it. The next time, if I punch you hard in the face so that your front teeth fall out and you’re writhing on the floor in bloody agony, rest assured it’s nothing more than a reflex action. No ill will is intended.