Donald Sterling: I Am Black

“I now love black people.”

Embattled Clippers owner Donald Sterling now claims he’s a black man after scientists testing his unpleasant orange body discovered trace amounts of DNA that links him to a 50,000 year-old tribe from Cameroon.

Dr. David Hernstein of the Genealogical Racial Institute obtained Sterling’s DNA by swabbing the sweat from his crusty armpits. Once Dr. Hernstein analyzed the fetid sample and cross-checked it against millions of other DNA samples, Sterling’s DNA contained enough of a match to prove his distant ancestors were in fact black Africans from Cameroon and that 0.0005% of his repellent hateful body is black.

Dr. Hernstein said: “The small percentage of black genetic material in Donald Sterling’s pungent sweat does indicate he is a black man as per the American one-drop rule of 1910.”

Sterling is now totally convinced he’s black and intends to keep his basketball team because in his words, “Being black means my previous comments against black people are null and void because I am one of them.”

Sterling continued: “As soon as I discovered I was black I went to the nearest black church to pray with my brothers and sisters who instantly accepted me except for those who spat in my face. I’m sure the rest of them loved me though.

“Now that I feel the black man’s blood flowing through me like the force in Star Wars, I should be allowed to keep my basketball team especially since they’re comprised of ‘my’ people.”

That all of the world’s population can be traced back to Africa means nothing to Sterling. He now considers himself a bona fide black man and would like this whole sorry racial misunderstanding regarding his recorded comments laid to rest. He also wants the fine and the lifetime ban lifted as he claims the NBA is conducting ‘anti-black discrimination’ against him.

Unfortunately for Sterling, being a black man in America is no walk in the park as he soon found out while driving to his mansion late yesterday evening.

“I’ve never been stopped by the police in my life,” he said, “and now I’ve been stopped and harassed five times in one night. The other day someone threatened to shoot me if I don’t move along and women keep clutching their purses whenever I walk by.

“Anyway, I had a pleasant surprise when I eventually made it home. Someone left a religious offering on my lawn. It was a burning cross. It must’ve been those lovely people I met at the church.”

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