“How did he get in here?”
Top tech companies held a secret meeting today to address the shocking lack of black employees in their organizations after the disclosure of their terrible diversity numbers. They assigned their most sophisticated minds to fix the problem and they’ve come up with some ‘creative and innovative’ solutions. These are the suggestions from the finest brains in America:
1. The Blackface Initiative
Many tech employees are no strangers to so-called ‘ghetto parties’ from their college years where they donned blackface to disparage and belittle black people. A new Blackface Initiative will force a percentage of employees to permanently wear blackface while in the office thus improving diversity numbers. REJECTED
2. Google Glass Negro App
All mid-level and senior managers should use this app while walking around tech offices. The app automatically turns some people into blacks so the office instantly looks more diverse. You can dial in the amount of diversity you require with a simple adjustment. If enough employees and visitors use the app, the diversity issues will fade away. REJECTED
3. 3D black people printing
3D printing is all the rage and what better way to demonstrate the effectiveness of this technology than to 3D print black people to add some color to tech offices. They can be mounted on desks, placed in breakout areas or sat in the boardroom during meetings. They’ll be made of plastic so their decision making powers will be non-existent. REJECTED
4. Move all operations to a country with no black people
Norway, Finland, the Balkans and Eastern Europe have barely any black people. If tech companies move their entire operations to these places then they only need to employ white people to achieve their diversity targets. REJECTED
5. One drop rule
The companies can carry out DNA tests on every employee to check if they have any black ancestors. It doesn’t matter how distant the ancestor. If there is a tiniest trace of DNA that can be traced back to a black person then that person can be considered black while on company premises. REJECTED
6. Actually employing the many talented black people who can do the job and do it brilliantly
This was roundly condemned as ‘totally unacceptable’ and an ‘idiotic suggestion’. REJECTED
Conclusion
Unfortunately, tech companies still haven’t been able to work out how to employ black people despite claiming to have the brightest, most skilled employees at their disposal. Until they figure out how to employ more black people it’s white and Asian all the way. They hope to have the problem solved by 2058 at the earliest.
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