The Black Explainer Guide To The First Republican Debate Candidates

The stage is set as the GOP cavalcade of cretins rolls into town for the first Republican debate of the year.

Will Trump attack the wives of others? Will the entire fall of western civilization be blamed on Obama? Will Carson continue to annoy black people? Will Black Lives Matter get a big thumbs down if mentioned? It will undoubtedly be a big yes to all four, so fill up on your favorite booze and snacks, sit back and relax and watch the madness unfold.

Here’s The Black Explainer guide to all the candidates and there’s not a woman in sight:

1. Donald Trump

Appearance: Like a 1970s German porn star with badly CGI-ed hair and a permanent orgasm-induced scowl.

What his ‘friends’ call him behind his back: Donald Fuck

Superpower: Ability to clear a room of all the non-white people just by talking.

America under his presidency: Like an amusement park combining all the most violent parts of Escape From New York and Apartheid South Africa with extra derangement.

Is he good for black people? No. His Mexican bashing is only the beginning. When his campaign really gets underway he has his sights set on other targets and it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to work out who those are.

Debate performance prediction: He’ll spend an inordinate amount of time pointing his finger and questioning the sexual potency of the other candidates until he gets to talk about his favorite subject: Mexicans.

In a word: Malevolent

2. Jeb Bush

Appearance: Like a more confused version of his bumbling brother who’s about to break into tears after being caught masturbating into an unusually small tennis sock.

What his ‘friends’ call him behind his back: That Other Bush

Superpower: Ability to make people remember exactly what the rest of his family did to America in a split second.

America under his presidency: Like a children’s birthday party where all the invited kids get exactly what they want but those not invited get nothing. Ever. And we all know who won’t get invited.

Is he good for black people? No. Bush One did nothing for black people, Bush Two did even less for black people so Bush Three won’t even know black people exist.

Debate performance prediction: Will try hard to use long words and appear well read but will fail miserably when viewers realize he memorized his answers during lunch and he doesn’t know what any of it means.

In a word: Laughable

3. Scott Walker

Appearance: Vacant but not entirely unpleasant. Like the kid at the back of the class who studies hard but still fails his exams. An air of disappointment, meanness and cynicism hangs over him.

What his ‘friends’ call him behind his back: Mr. Scott Walker, sir

Superpower: Ability to make the state he governs in even worse for black people than any Southern state with a flick of his pen.

America under his presidency: A steady ship but the rich will get richer and the poor will get shafted. Same as it ever was.

Is he good for black people? No. He favors going back to the good old days when whites were the master race and blacks were in their ‘rightful’ place. Check the rhyme!

Debate performance prediction: Will appear benign and formal on the surface like Damien from the Omen films but a lighting rig will mysteriously fall from above killing all his opponents.

In a word: Untrustworthy

4. Dr. Ben Carson

Appearance: Like a really nice, friendly guy until he opens his mouth. Then he looks like the person you quickly get away from while walking backwards so you can keep an eye on him as you escape.

What his ‘friends’ call him behind his back: Uncle Ben

Superpower: Ability to simultaneously make black people hold their heads in despair while making white people grin from ear to ear just by speaking.

America under his presidency: Like Gone With The Wind: The Specially-Extended Director’s Cut only longer. Much longer.

Is he good for black people? No, but he’ll be great for white people who will gently stroke him like a cat.

Debate performance prediction: Will be eager to debate the Black Lives Matter movement so he can discredit it in front of traditional Fox viewers who like that sort of thing. This alone could win the debate for him in their eyes. May unleash his scalpel and perform an impromptu brain operation on any liberals found among the crowd.

In a word: Embarrassing

5. Mike Huckabee

Appearance: Somewhat jovial. Like a British sitcom character who’s trousers keep falling down.

What his ‘friends’ call him behind his back: Harbinger of doom

Superpower: Ability to shock his enemies into submission with his surprisingly vicious outbursts. His big mouth and small mind combined make a lethal weapon. Mentioning anything to do with science nullifies this power.

America under his presidency: Like Israel and Palestine and Iran and North Korea all rolled into one country. A nation constantly at war with itself even more than it is now.

Is he good for black people? No, although he has a surprising amount of support from certain sections of the black community who have not heard about the speeches he gave to a white supremacist group before he was famous.

Debate performance prediction: He’ll go in hard with his fists at first before being arrested and dragged off to jail.

In a word: Warmonger

6. Ted Cruz

Appearance: Do you remember the kid who got punched a lot in class? Ted Cruz looks like the kid that kid punched.

What his ‘friends’ call him behind his back: Rafael Cruz although he hates the way that sounds like he’s one of ‘them’.

Superpower: Ability to oppose absolutely everything while looking like he actually stands for something. Bonus superpower: Ability to stop being Canadian.

America under his presidency: Like a right-wing fantasy land where freedom means everyone lives in their assigned boxes with their assigned jobs unless you’re rich.

Is he good for black people? No. He shares the same genes as his bigoted, toxic father and those genes are hard to remove unless Ted goes into one of those teleportation machines like Jeff Goldblum did at the end of The Fly although look how that turned out.

Debate performance prediction: Has amazing debating chops so expect him to vanquish his opponents in a whirlwind of dazzling rhetoric and convoluted wordplay. If that doesn’t work expect him to take out his gun and use it as a pointing device.

In a word: Middling

7. Marco Rubio

Appearance: Totally inoffensive and lacking character with the kind of grin that says: “I hate you and I want to kill you all.”

What his ‘friends’ call him behind his back: Marco Boobio

Superpower: Possible ability to get Hispanics to vote for him in their droves but alas we’ll never know.

America under his presidency: His vision for a new American century is based on America in the 17th century. He hopes no one notices this.

Is he good for black people? No. Come on people, he’s a right-wing Cuban from Miami. Get real!

Debate performance prediction: Will take a swing at Trump if immigration is mentioned but the crowd will boo him so he’ll quieten down after losing the room. He might rally towards the end if he gets a word in.

In a word: Yawn

8. Rand Paul

Appearance: Insect-like but not like a beautiful, delicate butterfly. More like a one of those flesh flies that eats a dead body before shitting on it.

What his ‘friends’ call him behind his back: Grand Pall

Superpower: Ability to destroy anything by fumbling with it in an unconvincing manner.

America under his presidency: The laughing stock of the world and possibly other planets.

Is he good for black people? No. He hates civil rights. Would replace it with (un)civil whites.

Debate performance prediction: Staggeringly inept for a man who is also a doctor although he’ll successfully provide first aid to Trump when he eventually keels over due to an enlarged ego.

In a word: Floundering

9. John Kasich

Appearance: Like the man who runs out of his house and then right up to your face who blares out the words: “Get off my land!”

What his ‘friends’ call him behind his back: Who?

Superpower: Ability to become invisible while standing among a group of straight white males on live television.

America under his presidency: Like America under Gerald Ford if anyone can remember what that was like. A bit like waiting for a bus that never arrives because it was cancelled and no one told you.

Is he good for black people? No. He’ll ban rap music for starters then he’ll try and ban black people.

Debate performance prediction: Will start off poorly, then swiftly moving into an equally poor middle section before finishing with a tremendously poor flourish. Piss-poor overall.

In a word: Pointless

10. Chris Christie

Appearance: Billy Bunter-esque while chewing on a wasp.

What his ‘friends’ call him behind his back: Cross Christie

Superpower: Ability to tell lies to escape capture although it wears off rather quickly. He then gets captured but wriggles his way out of it.

America under his presidency: Not the worst America but an America that accumulates lots of dark secrets just waiting to be uncovered. People who open their mouths might disappear suddenly.

Is he good for black people? No, but it could be worse. But not much worse.

Debate performance prediction: He’ll deliver answers robustly and directly although none of it will make much sense when scrutinized. Luckily for him Fox News doesn’t do scrutiny.

In a word: Strident