White Criminals Demand Equal Treatment

“I’ll ignore the weed and cocaine. Have a nice day!”

White criminals today complained that black criminals are taking all the prison places because of preferential treatment in the justice system.

They claim that whenever a black person gets arrested they’re automatically sent to prison but when a white person gets arrested they’re always passed over for a prison place due to Affirmative Action by the police.

White criminal Ned Phythian, a thief, embezzler and stockbroker said: “I’m committing crimes everyday and I can’t get the police to even look at me. They give all their attention to the black criminals and just pass me by. I keep on committing crimes but I just can’t seem to get into prison.”

John Laxeter, a white pothead said: “I’m a regular white middle class guy and I’m also nuts about weed so when the police catch me smoking the stuff I expect the law to do its duty. I’ve been caught five times this week with the ganja and nothing. But some black kid got caught with a tiny amount and he gets to go to the big house straight away. It’s just not fair.”

The white criminals do have a point. The police and the courts are giving preferential treatment to black criminals in alarming numbers. According to statistics published by the Department of Criminology, black people are 1,000,000 times more likely to get stopped by the police and once they’re taken to court, they get a prison place 100% of the time. But what can be done to change things?

Newark Police Commissioner David Malacotti said: “I admit we’ve concentrated our efforts on making sure blacks get prison places ahead of whites. We started this program back in 1866 and it’s proved to be extremely effective in securing prison places for members of the black community. After such success, I’m reluctant to change things so white criminals will have to wait a while to achieve parity. “

Deranged, at-large, serial killer Emory Maggot had this to say: “It’s a sick, sick world we live in when a violent white criminal can’t get a prison place because preference is given to blacks. The cops are always in pursuit of some young black guy but we white criminals don’t get a look-in. Once I’ve disposed of my latest victim, I’m taking my fight all the way to the Supreme Court.”

Black Civil Rights Lawyer Cleavon Jamestown suggested a way forward that could work for both sides. He said: “White criminals have a right to a prison place and likewise blacks should be given more university places. Why don’t we swap them round to get more balance and equality?”

After mulling over the lawyer’s sensible suggestion, the white criminals agreed with the police commissioner that things are actually fine the way they are.