Black Republicans Rebrand As ‘Colored’

“He’s one of us now. Almost.”

In an effort to distinguish themselves from the majority of Black Americans and to become more electable to white voters in advance of the 2016 elections, Black republicans have rebranded themselves as ‘colored’.

At a packed press conference held at the party headquarters Republican Herman West said: “From now on we would like to be called ‘colored’ and not Black. The word Black has such negative connotations and we wish to show the country that we’re not like normal Blacks and that we really have nothing in common with them. If anything, we’re more white than Black.”

He continued: “We believe we are part of a third race of people who are probably genetically-different to other Blacks. We colored folk have a more temperate disposition than Blacks. We’re less militant, less confrontational and more obedient than standard Blacks.”

The new colored Republicans have asked that all official documentation and forms contain the option ‘colored’ and that newspapers and news anchors start making the distinction when reporting. Fox News were the first to make the change.

But what about the rich legacy of Black culture and the continuing excellence of Black people in all sorts of fields? Do the new colored people want to separate themselves from such a myriad of brilliance?

Herman West said that all the good stuff Blacks produced was actually produced by colored people but that the distinction was not yet made back then. He said: “Jazz, sports, literature and scientific discoveries are colored but hip-hop is Black. That’s it really.”

The race change has gone down well with white Republicans who never really wanted Blacks in the party but can now pre-select the Blacks they like to be upgraded to colored status.

The newly-crowned colored people get a special Colored Card in case they’re mistaken for a black person at airport security or when dealing with the police. Other than that there is no easy way to determine whether a person is colored or Black as they look exactly alike.

West said it’s easy once you know what to look for: “The first thing you’ll notice is the suit. Colored people always look the part. Then you’ll notice how at ease we are in our interactions with white folk. They love us and we don’t threaten them with talk about racism or reparations. We are nice to be around so they keep us close to them just like in the old days down South.”

To advance the cause of colored people the Republican party launched a ‘Colored of the Month’ competition for the colored party member who’s a ‘credit to their race’.