Republicans Launch Back To Work Scheme For Blacks

“Only 10 hours till lunch.”

The Republican Party today unveiled an ambitious new Back To Work program to completely eliminate unemployment among African Americans should they win the 2016 election. The new program entitled Every Negro Shall Love And Value Employment will provide full-time, permanent work for every Black man and Black woman in America.

According to the glossy brochure outlining the details, the jobs will be based in the southern part of the country and will involve mainly outdoor and domestic work. Most workers will toil in the fields while some of the lucky ones will get to work indoors by tending to the everyday needs of a loving Southern family. In addition to the guaranteed jobs, workers can expect free food and complete freedom from paying bills or taxes. All their needs will be taken care of.

In an unusual move, the new program will provide full accommodation which will mean workers relocating to places such as Georgia, Mississippi, Alabama, Louisiana, Texas and Florida. Fortunately, anyone who signs up for the program will be transported free of charge to the purpose-built housing units that are located very close to the working areas.

Worker security is paramount and the purpose-built worker housing units will be regularly patrolled by heavily-armed security personnel called overseers. These individuals have unprecedented power to keep order and to ensure all workers remain safe.

Bill Rumpus, a shifty looking fat man and Republican Strategic Employment Adviser, said: “In the past Republicans ignored Black folk but now we are putting their needs front and center to show we really care.”

“It’s important that our boys and girls feel part of the family. The overseers shouldn’t be seen as security. We see them as a useful bridge between the boss and the worker. If a worker has a problem then the overseer will deal with that problem swiftly and cleanly. And if the problem continues he will make sure the problem disappears forever without a trace. No questions asked.”

“We believe our offer to be very generous and all we expect in return is a commitment to remain employed right through to the completion of the contract which usually lasts until death. Once they sign the contract there’s no getting out of it.”

The plan is even backed by the more hard-lined Tea Party contingent whose spokesman Randy Hovis said: “I was skeptical at first but once I got the gist of things I am onboard 100%.”

Rumpus continued: “Once we are up and running we want to extend the invitation to real Africans so they too can take advantage of our generous offer. We have transportation standing by to ‘ship’ them to our processing centers along the Mississippi. We want to help Black people the world over to come and work with us.”

“Does anyone know how much they’ll get paid?” asks Democratic Senator Sarah Lumsden at the unveiling. The Republicans declined to comment.

So far not a single African American has expressed interest.