News Organizations Create Pecking Order Of Humanity

The cat stuck up this tree is more important.

Global news networks have joined forces to create a secret league table of humanity in order to help editors accurately place news items in order of importance on their newspaper front pages, websites and daily TV bulletins.

The Wealthy Human Interests Transcends Empathy (WHITE) index ranks all types of humans according to their value to the most powerful and dominant in audiences in Europe and the US.

CNN Head of News, Wes Jackman explained how it works: “To make things a lot easier as to where we should put our focus we news folk have come together to create this handy chart to show you whose life is of the utmost importance and who we couldn’t give a damn about.

“For instance, if something really bad happens in a place we don’t care for much, it’s not at all the same if it happens in a place we do care for if you know what I mean. The body count doesn’t matter at all because we will now let the WHITE index show us who’s at the top of human existence and who’s at the bottom.”

Despite calls from certain quarters for greater transparency, the WHITE index will be kept secret and will not be available to ordinary members of the public.

Jackman added: “If something bad happens in the world and we devote hundreds of hours of seemingly pointless coverage to it, the public can rest assured that the same thing is probably happening elsewhere but thanks to the WHITE index they don’t have to worry about it.”