“Who ate all the pies?”
A man has barricaded himself inside his house after neighbors threatened to tear him apart if he doesn’t give up his entire hoard of 100 much-sought-after Patti LaBelle sweet potato pies.
Jim Jasonsson bought every last pie from his nearest Walmart in Los Angeles and says he intends to eat all the scrumptious pies himself in one sitting. But an angry mob of around 50 locals demand he release the pies to their stomachs immediately.
An irate neighbor, Harry Dunkins shouted through a megaphone: “Give up those pies you bastard!
“You better give up them pies soon or we’re going to have to storm the house and hack you to pieces.
“If you think you can eat them before we get in there then you’ve got another thing coming.
“That pie is delicious and I’m willing to kill to get my hands on one. You have been warned fella.”
With pie wars breaking out all over the country, White House press secretary, Earnest Josh attended an emergency briefing earlier today to outline contingency plans should the pie shortage continue:
“The situation is becoming increasingly volatile with many cities throughout America on a knife edge due to a lack of pies,” says Josh.
“We might have to call in the National Guard to help manufacture more pies if need be. The very fabric of society could crumble, no pun intended, if we don’t get our pies.
“I only hope we can get enough pies made before the inevitable. God help us all.”
Meanwhile, a group calling themselves PIE-SIS has vowed to eat every last pie in the country. Or else!
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