Tissue Sales Skyrocket In The Wake Of Serena Victory

Serena Williams


Tissue sales shot through the roof as millions of pathetic losers throughout the world purchased dozens of packets to mop up their hateful tears caused by Serena Williams’ latest victory at Wimbledon.

Many of those seen whimpering like an injured puppy or balling like a shrieking baby spent the last couple of days curled up in the corner of their dismal hovels while looking up in the air and asking ‘why?’ to a God who is not listening to their bigoted whining.

Sarah Wittgenstein, an especially spiteful crier, screamed like a banshee when Serena won.

“It was like my whole world was falling apart around me,” said the prejudiced weeper.

“There could be a new order upon us and I won’t be the center of attention anymore.

“It’s so hard to take but I will go on hating Serena and other girls like her with every last breath in my body.

“Why oh why can’t tennis be like it was before?”

Sarah managed to regain her composure before logging on to the Internet to spout even more cowardly rants about ‘those people’ while ignoring the fact that her sad little life has been nothing but a succession of failures due to her pettiness, ignorance and stupidity.

The foul stench of jealously and disappointment hangs heavily around her soulless apartment like a rancid fart.

Serena Williams, meanwhile, was last seen breezily crushing a vastly inferior opponent whose name isn’t even worth mentioning. One commentator said that watching the match was ‘just as satisfying as squashing a particularly irritating mosquito at a barbecue’ which incidentally he did while watching the match.

Tissue sales are expected to rise once more if Lewis Hamilton wins this season’s Formula One title and there could be a worldwide tissue shortage if Serena wins the US open later this year.