Jacob Zuma To Spend $5m On In-House Brothel

Jacob Zuma

“I am the least corrupt man in this image.”

South African President Jacob Zuma will spend $5m on a state-of-the-art brothel facility at his presidential home in the Nkandla compound it was announced last night.

Around 100 prostitutes will work in a Ferrari-designed building containing 70 individual consultation suites and a large central orgy room modelled on a Roman bath house from the 70s smut classic Caligula.

While trying to justify the outrageous taxpayer expense and the offensiveness of the venture, a Zuma aide said that the brothel is purely for security purposes and not for the use of the South African premier although he will probably ‘audition’ many of the workers personally to ensure they meet his exacting standards.

The aide, who wishes to remain anonymous in case his wife finds out, said: “If the presidential compound is attacked by armed terrorists then having a bevy of beautiful, sexy prostitutes on hand for sexual gratification would be an excellent distraction thus foiling their plan to kidnap or possibly murder the president.

“It’s a bona fide security prevention system.”

The aide concluded by saying that because the facility is solely for the security of the president and his family all payments made to the prostitutes will be met by the taxpayer.

In addition to the brothel, the president is building other security-based establishments including a sculpture park focusing only on sculptures of the president’s likeness and a personal courthouse which will employ the president’s own carefully selected judges.

President Zuma was unavailable for comment as he was on pressing business at the South African Reserve Bank.

Reports suggest he was last seen laughing all the way there.

Image: World Economic Forum / Eric Miller via Wikimedia Commons