Hipsters Threaten To Take Over Notting Hill Carnival

A hipster doofus

Down with Red Strip, up with cold brew coffee, whatever that is.

London’s Notting Hill Carnival was placed on high alert yesterday as intelligence reports suggest a gang of hipsters are planning on forcibly taking it over and imposing their own awful ‘culture’ on the event.

Due to the increasing gentrification of London’s inner city that has seen the marginalisation of the West Indian community, the Notting Hill Carnival is now being targeted by a particularly obnoxious and entitled gang of stupidly-dressed bearded fools.

The hipsters intend to target steel bands and jerk chicken stands and replace them with with indie/Balkan mash-ups and pop-up restaurants serving over ten varieties of artisanal smoked kimchi.

Rum and Red Stripe are also off the menu to be replaced by Danish Craft Beers made with goat’s sweat and 200-year old fermented cider from the Slovakian Brewing Collective.

Greasy-haired, mustachioed oaf Crispin Smythe-Linely, a particularly odious hipster with 17 different types of fecal matter in his beard, who leads the gang said: “We dig the black scene but the carnival is not ironic enough so we want to change it with music by bands like Edward Sharpe and The Magnetic Zeros or The Airborne Toxic Event.

“Also, we want to force out the sound systems and display Javanese art installations that testify to the burgeoning Skitch scene instead.

“We identify with Caribo-Africans because they’re oppressed like us so I really feel their pain man, but black people were in for a long time and now they’re so passé.”

Hipsters from as far away as Portland, Oregon; Brooklyn, New York and the Södermalm district of Stockholm make up the rest of the gang and they’ve come armed with bespoke crocodile-skin iPads and MacBook Pros for advanced on-the-spot photo-processing.

The attack was thwarted at the last minute as the 40-strong gang were scared off by a couple of pint-sized 12-year olds who swore at them and blew their whistles loudly in the hipsters’ direction. The hipsters haven’t been seen since.