Human DNA Found At Republican Rally


A Republican under a microscope

Scientists discovered traces of human DNA in the auditorium where Donald Trump held a boisterous and offensive rally earlier today.

The rally, which took place in Columbus, Ohio, was packed to the rafters with frenzied Republican supporters, baying for blood and showing little sign of kindness or any other quality that could be described as human.

University of Creative Studies DNA Professor Shari Lewis made the startling discovery while swabbing for saliva on a straw in a discarded 64 ounce soda cup.

“This is remarkable,” said the professor.

“It’s really amazing to find even the tiniest trace of humanity after an event like this and it gives hope to the scientific community that this infinitesimal smidgen of humanity could mean that other human traits might be present among Republicans such as compassion, empathy and not wanting to kill people because you don’t like the way they look or how they pray.”

Humanity was once present among Republicans in the past, the last time being in Abraham Lincoln but there’s very little evidence of humanity among the current crop of presidential hopefuls who have been described as ‘morally reptilian’ although many reptiles are offended by the comparison.

Since the discovery at the rally, however, it has been pointed out that the DNA could be that of a TV cameraman or a caterer who are, according to reports, most definitely human.

A trail of slime was found at a later event and it’s hoped that could yield some positive results.